HOW-2 Meet Women

by

Cartaphilus




Chapter 11

Deepening the Relationship




You have been dating a nice woman, and the two of you seem comfortable with each other and enjoy being together. It feels right being with her, but you have yet to touch, to hold hands, to exchange more than a hug and a nominal kiss or two. Where do you go from here?


Talk. Set up lines of communication. Establish a rapport.
Every revealed nuance, every secret desire, every confession of weakness, every exploration of hope and admission of paralyzing fear strengthens the bond between the two of you, helps you connect with her as one human being to another, flawed but worthy of acceptance as a trusted and intimate companion.

Show her how much you cherish her. Share interests, activities, and hobbies. Develop customs and "traditions" unique to yourselves as a couple. Build trust. Learn how to disagree. Get to know her family, and introduce her to your own.


There comes that magic moment when you finally touch, when she fiercely grasps your hand of her own free will, when you start to give her the usual goodnight peck on the cheek and she turns her face to catch the kiss full on her lips (and, oh, how soft and yielding and warm they are!). This is a healing touch, an affirmative, giving touch. It is a pledge, a promise, a commitment, a seed cast upon the waters of tomorrow.

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Oscar Wilde

Consider the process, the dynamic of how two people become one, a couple. The two of you gradually grow closer, begin to have deep feelings for one another, and to bond. Past a certain threshold, you cease to think of the woman as someone you have been dating, instead she becomes the other half of us. This is the point where commitment enters the picture, commitment to the relationship and to the happiness and well being of your partner. This is the moment when you decide you don't want to live apart from her.


Cautions

Since you are somewhat inexperienced in the realm of man-woman relationships, you will blunder at first, learning by trial and error, making painful mistakes. You force the pace, letting anxiety and impatience race ahead of what she is ready for, and bruise the fragile trust between you. You let personal insecurity drive you to acts of jealousy. You try to change, or "remodel" her. Your clever strategems to pull her closer, to take possession of her -- drive her away. Sometimes, it seems as if all your efforts are self-defeating...



Be prepared for the possibility that the relationship may never "kindle." If such be the case, consider it 'training' for your next one. Get on with your life. Meet new people. Explore new relationships.

Finally, recognize that even a close relationship may go sour. Danger signs in a failing relationship include lack of respect between partners, constant bickering, and, most telling of all, power and domination dramas. If the two of you can no longer make each other laugh, give each other comfort by a touch, and share intimate moments, then there is little hope left. If your partner disparages and makes fun of you, there is not much remaining to hold on to. You can no longer evade hard choices, and the time has come to consider a graceful exit.


Farewell! thou art too dear for my possessing...
Shakespeare, Sonnet 87






Questions

I took a woman out for the first time, and we had an enjoyable evening together. We said our goodnights and kissed, but left it at that. Where do I go from here?

Assuming she gave you her telephone number, a follow-up call in the next day or two would be in order. As an alternative, consider sending her a note, accompanied by flowers.


I have no trouble meeting women and making friends with them, but as the relationship progresses, they inevitably lose interest in me. What am I doing wrong?

You come on strong at the initial meeting, making a striking first impression. You have built up her expectations at this point. Then, as she gets to know you better, she finds out that there is not all that much beneath the impressive looking exterior. You promise much more than you deliver.

When first meeting a women, hold back in reserve something of yourself. If "that's all there is", of course you will disappoint her later. Even more important, develop yourself as a multifaceted human being. Cultivate some interests and become a deeper person. Keep growing and renewing yourself.


How will I know that she is the one for me?

"Love at first sight" is a verifiable phenomenon, but don't count on it happening to you. More commonly, it will gradually dawn on the both of you, during the course of the relationship, that you have a special bond, and perhaps, just perhaps are meant for each other.


What does she think of when she's with me?

Most likely she has the usual culturally imposed anxieties. "Does he like me? Have I done something wrong? Do I look good?" Getting past that, to the point where you can create ties of friendship and trust, where you can relax in each other's company - this is what will make or break your relationship.


I've dated this woman only a couple of times, but there seem to be a lot of "accidental" touches between us. She brushes against me quite often, hold onto my arm, even touches my cheek affectionately. Does this mean she's attracted to me?

This is a good sign. At the very least, it indicates she trusts you enough to risk breaking the first physical barrier between the two of you. Touch is meaningful. Very likely she wants to get closer to you. Gently encourage her.


How can I be sure she loves me?

You can't.


How can I test her love?

Relationships are based on trust. "Testing" her love violates that trust and demeans both of you.


I'm just about at the point of telling her that I love her. I can't hold my feelings back any more, but maybe I'm getting just a bit "ahead" of her. I seem to have stronger feelings for her than she does for me. What should I do?

Be aware that saying those magic words -- "I love you" -- will not automatically trigger the love reflex in her. It may even have the opposite effect of getting her to back off. Go a bit slower, and give her time to catch up with you.


I thought I had a good relationship with my girlfriend, but she seems to be losing interest in me. We had something beautiful, but it's slipping away. What can I do?

The question is, at what point a relationship is still worth fighting for. Can it be salvaged? Is it even worth saving?

If either of the following holds true, then you have something worth reclaiming.

Just the fact that you have a huge emotional investment in the relationship is not in itself sufficient... if she does not share your level of commitment. If she does not have strong feelings for you by now, then the odds that she will ever commit to you, much less come to love you, are abysmally low. It's time to think seriously about cutting loose.


I'm very inexperienced in the ways of life and love. What will I do when it actually comes time to be intimate with a woman?

Making love to a woman, and doing so well and truly, requires only patience, sensitivity to her needs, and imagination. It is less a matter of talent than of devotion to the woman's comfort and pleasure. Becoming an accomplished lover is a process of learning and transformation, the work of a lifetime.






To lovers I [bequeath] their imaginary world, with whatever they may need, as the stars of the sky, the red, red roses by the wall, the snow of the hawthorn, the sweet strains of music, or aught else they may desire to figure to each other the lastingness and beauty of their love.
Last will and testament of Charles Lounsbury (1897)



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